Jazz in the Background
It’s 2:56pm on Wednesday July 9th, 2025 in Hopewell Junction, New York. I’m in my parent’s basement, thinking of how to introduce myself again. My dog Morpheus is snoring, sprawled out on the floor, his head inconveniently close to the wheels on my chair. I’ve been burning incense down here lately, half hoping the practice will prove an effective kind of ritual to mark a new chapter of my life in this old room, and occasionally to mask any scent of weed I may have in the cabinet at any point in time. My dad helped me hang up my guitars. My mom went through some cabinets to make space for wires. Cozy Coffee Shop Jazz in the Background from Spotify does its best to cover the hum of a dehumidifier. We’re all doing what we can, I suppose.
Anyway I want to return and say a proper hello but the trouble is I can’t see you. I can’t see you and I don’t know who you are, so I hesitate. See, I like to have a plan. I like when the end goal is known, so as to inform the first step. I want to be able to map out my journey, and work in failsafes and options, that' I’ll use to respond to unexpected complications, which will be unexpected and unimaginable, but also guaranteed and unavoidable. I keep devising these grand plans and set out to execute then I look up six months later and nothing has changed. Well, obviously not nothing, but I can’t always feel the growth like I want to. I’m not talking about growing an audience… well I am, but firstly I’m talking about growth in myself. In my ability, in my thought process, my skill… my plans often lack clear goals or tangible progress indicators; they usually end with “I don’t know hopefully something good will come out of that” instead. So I execute my plan and look up months or a year later and can’t always see the good thing, leave a pit of despair in my stomach and turn back to the drawing board, feeling like I’ve only the same old weapons on my utility belt. Nonetheless, Gotham needs saving.
Sorry, my name. My name and why I’m doing this, right. But there’s the rub isn’t it! Not only am I feeling unable to track my own progress, it seems I’ve lost my why! I can’t find the words for it anywhere. I’ve really been searching for a why that’s bigger than me. Now, just so you know, we’re approaching the part of this internal debate where the two voices in my head scream equally loud and at exactly the same time, so forgive me if I jump around. My primary reason for writing, and writing regularly is self-serving. It keeps me in practice, helps me sort my thoughts, and it feels natural to me. I feel it’s the form on which my grasp is the strongest and at the end of the day, I find myself compelled to do it. Denying myself the outlet for fear of how it fails to progress my career would be foolish. I don’t need to share it, right? Is that hat you’re thinking? I get it, but I kinda think I do need to share it. The idea of sharing it makes it exciting for me, it makes me try harder. So whenever I make something I want to make something really outstanding, and I want it to have something for you. Refer back now, to the last paragraph where I said I have no idea who you are. I don’t know what you like and I don’t know what you need. And look at that, there are my feet, full of bullet holes, from when I keep shooting myself.
So who am I and what’s the point? Isn’t that what we’re all trying to find out? By the way, do you think God exists in the shape of a human? I think that’d be very silly. Why exist in human form if you don’t have to? Isn’t our form some kind of curse? You know according to whoever said that. It’s a punishment, right? To be bound to this corporeal existence and to suffer through this life? Why would God look like a human? God could break their nose? Would God have both kinds of parts? I don’t mean to be blasphemous, but imagine God with like, everything. I mean no way God is just like an average 5’9” white guy with a 5 inch dick wearing Oxford button ups and ten year old nikes, right? I mean if that were the case, people would love me.
I want to be serious about this, though. I do have some goals for myself, and I can identify some reasons for the existence of this blog. I have a goal to write a script for a feature film by the end of 2025. These writings are necessary for me to get the blood flowing and do some story searching. I want to be in the practice of writing, examining my life, trying new styles, having fun using my words so I can feel more confident when it comes time to write the script. I may write out possible scenes as short stories, or reflect on the happenings of a day and try to find my opinion here. Then once the scriptwriting begins I’ll also be able to chronicle the process. Another goal I have is to draw more attention to mine and Understanding’s musical endeavors, namely our YouTube show Making Music with Beautiful Idiots and so one of the ways to do that, hypothetically at least, would be to create better content for social media. I’m hoping that some of these things I write will serve as source material for social clips, be it in writing or as an opportunity to improve my visual style and storytelling. Maybe they’ll be entertaining, maybe they’ll be educational, I don’t know yet, but if these daily writings become the blueprints and bar napkins that become our realized dreams then they will be immensely helpful to me. No pressure, though. I honestly think the sharing it just a good way for me to hold myself accountable. I’m a theatre kid and I’m always going to need that stage I guess.
It’s 4:24 now, I’ve stopped to play the drums a couple times, Bryana came down to ask my opinion about a subtitle for an event she’s producing. My mom is back from Walmart and I assume my dad will be home from work soon. I know this started off a little sad, with me feeling lost and all, but don’t take it so serious. That’s life, you know? Maybe I’m so frustrated because I’m on the precipice of the change. Maybe that change will never really feel like I think it will. I’ll have to find a way to come to terms with whatever situation I find myself in, and keep moving. There’s still jazz in the background. This is a really long playlist I guess… I’m Joe, by the way…
-J.P.